It’s a romance like no other

It’s something everyone tries to avoid, but then you feel the little turtle pushing, longing for the sea, and it’s either go home, shit your pants, or brave the lockless sewers of the club toilets.

Most people plan ahead and take advantage of the pre-drink water closet, but for those who have one too many and let their bowels take a back seat for a while, they’re the ones at risk.  It’s not the fact people get a kick out of literally being full of shit, but more curling one out in club toilets brings with it its own little adventure.

First up is finding the damn piss holes. This depends on the club of course, but sometimes you find yourself walking from room to room, through a whole spectrum of music genres, until you find the sticky-floored dung dumpsters. Usually there’s a queue of tentative guys hoping their cubicle opens up next, and other times there’s just no door. It’s your call if you want to be that guy.


Once you’ve chosen your porcelain throne, there is one more thing to check: loo roll. Now this situation either calls for a change of cubicle mid-poo (if you’re an amateur), or check before you engage, like the veterans do.

What makes the experience a little interesting is if the lock’s buggered, which happens more often than not. Trying to excrete with a leg pressed up against the door is a task pro gymnasts would be impressed with. It’s hard, and those who try it deserve credit.

One of the most entertaining parts, however, is the paranoid bouncers who suspect you’re off for a sly snifter of the powdered variety. They take it upon themselves to look over the cubicle, only to see you laying out another log. More fool them.

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And finally, the lucky lucky man – everyone’s favourite guy. You exit the cubicle as if nothing happened. It was just a piss right? He knows more than you think, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to make a quick quid by spraying Paco Rabanne on your crotch, and boosting your confidence with a “no spray, no lay” line.

Pooing in clubs isn’t a crime. Don’t be afraid, equip yourself if you have to. There are even people who take their own roll just in case, which is normal… right?

Stay safe and poo happy.