You’re not pulling anyone for a while

You might have looked forward to coming home this summer. A full fridge, someone to do your washing, and seeing your mates again are all great prospects.

But a few weeks after being back you’ve begun to realise being home is a bit crap. You’re under the watchful eye of your parents once more, and forget seeing your friends – everyone’s working or on holiday. Suddenly you can’t wait to head back to uni and have your freedom again. And not to mention all the awkward encounters you’re about to experience.

Bumping into the friend you haven’t talked to in a year

You promised to keep in touch when you were leaving sixth form, but since then you haven’t even talked once. And to be honest, you haven’t actually cared either. Being back at home means your chances of awkwardly encountering them in town are pretty high.

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You were besties then…

Luckily it’s summer, so sunglasses are totally acceptable most of the time. Stick a pair of sunnies on when you’re out and nobody can see if you’ve made eye contact. If you see someone you feel guilty for not making an effort to talk to, you can just pretend you never saw them. Stride on by without having to make any awkward small talk.

Seeing the one who got away

Whether it’s on a night out or just around town, at some point this summer it’s inevitable you will see your ex. You might have hoped you’d never have to see them again, but sadly they still live in the same town as you.

While it might be tempting just to go home and cry into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, after being at uni for a while, maybe it’s time to be the sensible adult your Nan thinks you are and have a nice conversation with them. But honestly, that’s never going to happen is it? Your next best option is probably just to hide behind your friends or a large plant and hope they don’t see you.

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Ben and Jerry never broke your heart

Coming in from a night out at  4am

It’s easy to forget most non-students don’t consider 4am a reasonable time to come in from a night out. Unfortunately for you, your parents’ idea of a crazy night out involves a glass of sherry and a game of Scrabble. Seeing as you’re now living with them once more, it’s probably best not to aggravate them. God forbid, your mum might stop doing your washing and we don’t want that.

To keep everyone happy you should always remember your keys. Dad won’t be so pleased to see his little girl when he’s forced to let her in at 4am. Secondly, no drunk cooking. This is noisy and messy, and you’re guaranteed to wake everyone up banging around saucepans of pasta in the early hours. Instead treat yourself to a kebab: the money you’re earning at your awful summer job should cover a large doner.

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Being invited out to the crappy club in your town

We all know the struggle: having been at uni you’ve most likely felt the full benefits of a city’s buzzing night-life. Going from there, where there’s a decent club open every day of the week, back to a smaller town where the only thing happening on a Monday night is bingo, is a struggle. It all gets 10 times worse when one of your mates decides to invite you out to the worst club in town. We all have one, complete with floors as sticky as Sellotape and a dress code which seems to include tracky bottoms. You don’t want to let a mate down, but you know it would be awful if you went.

There’s always the option on calling your mate out on just how crap the club is, but maybe they genuinely enjoy the odd vodka they serve and you risk looking like a bit of a jerk who thinks they’re better than your friends. Your best bet is probably just to make an excuse, like you’re really, really, ill, you have to look after your siblings, or you’re working 8am the next day. Or, you could just suck it up and go. The more drunk you are, the better the night will be.

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*cough* *cough*

Questions about your love life from the fam

You’re sure to have heard the line “loads of people meet their future husband/wife at uni”.  Now you’re back for the summer, all your relatives want to know if you’ve made any progress. They have no idea the closest you got to a romantic gesture this year was when the guy you got with on a night out bought you a couple of drinks.

If they ask casually, you can always brush it off and change the subject to make a quick escape from being told the one is still out there for you. If they won’t go for that, and are really probing for info, you can just give a vague answer. Mention you’ve gone on a few dates (does going to the smoking area together count?) or there’s someone you’re getting close with, like the Domino’s delivery guy.

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You might be smiling now…

Being served in a shop by someone you know

It’s going to happen to a lot of us this summer. You’ll be heading up to the till in Superdrug with some dry shampoo and cream for the weird rash you have when you realise the only cashier is someone you know. With everyone working summer jobs, the probability only increases.

If you’re too embarrassed, you can always stick your items on the nearest shelf, make a quick exit and hope they won’t be working the next time you go in. If this won’t work, you should just go ahead and head to the tills, because as anyone whose ever worked in retail knows, they’ve probably seen worse.

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Definitely wasn’t looking at the pregnancy tests

Realising you can’t bring someone back

At uni, you have the freedom to bring anyone back to your room any time, and coming home means this all changes. Your ‘rents are probably not going to be okay with you bringing a random into their house. So what happens when you’re on a night out, you’ve pulled a solid eight and they ask to come back to yours? The sudden realisation this is going to go nowhere can be devastating .

In reality, your bae probably lives with their parents too, so chances are you both have the same problem. This time you might just have to pie them off and go home disappointed. Get yourself a pizza instead: you’ll probably get the same satisfaction. Just remember, the toilets should never be an option. Stay classy guys and count the days until you can go back to uni.

@chloealexreed

  • CaerdyddNotWhatItWas

    I think the Uni needs to get a distinction between what is comedy and what is real life. For a group of educated people if should be easy. What did Socrates say about intelligence is entertaining a thought without accepting it? Obviously didn’t apply to the University Political class…

  • Don’t take life so seriously

    Maybe don’t take life so seriously. Surely students are cleaver enough to decide for themselves if they want to buy tickets to his show or not.

  • Come on lighten up

    Interesting idea for future partitions

  • Jeremy Beadle

    Fascists. It’s sad feminism has gone from being about empowering women to treating them like children.

  • dfdf

    “LAD culture” is a generalisation based off an irrational fear of the masculine. Some of the lad types I know are extremely principled and socially sensitive, while if one gets a few drinks down a sensitive man from one of these student unions and you’d think you walked into a BNP conference.

  • I Hate Idiots

    “I will do everything in my power to have your show banned”

    Just who the fuck does this authoritarian idiot think she is?

    • Jeremy Beadle

      A quick click on her twitter shows her to be a big fan of rap and hip hop, musical genres which are famous for their liberal and progressive lyrics about women…

      Double standard much.

  • you must be joking

    ‘Highly regarded academic institution’? Highly regarded by who?

  • HOW ABOUT

    just not going to the show if you dont like it? If other people want to go and see it, let them do that. No-one cares about your false morals you insignificant people, but then again the only time they mean anything is when theyre spoiling everyone else’s fun

  • Tashana

    He is a cunt who makes jokes about rape, misogyny, homophobia and just utter shite. He shouldn’t be given the chance to make money from this.

  • Ms_Fortune

    Empowering women by treating them like children that can’t handle provocative comedy.

    That’s EQUALITY right there folks!

  • Desar

    Typical Feminists, acting like their opinions should be treated as if they’re law. When you disagree with something, that doesn’t mean your “rights” are being “oppressed”. Also, screw this university, for pandering to these hypocritical morons.

  • Chill

    Where the fuck have all these overly sensitive people come from? It’s a joke, get off your own “soapbox” and laugh at things.

  • mumble

    “If you complain about the existence of entertainment that you don’t have to consume…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP6yM64yQ4w

  • Peter

    Whatever happened to the simple idea of free expression and free speech?

  • Anon

    Wow, this girl’s grammar is awful.

  • R3ality

    “We should be able to have our say”

    You have your say, by not going to the god damned show. Is this a difficult concept? Apparently it is… to the thought police.

  • whysocynical

    go outside and make some friends robin.